Post-Separation Abuse is an often overlooked and misunderstood form of abuse. This Post Separation Abuse Awareness Week, we asked our Survivor Advocacy Panel if they would like to share their insights to help drive further awareness of the devastating impacts that can be experienced after leaving. Here’s what they said:
“Leaving doesn’t just end the abuse. It takes it to the next level”
“In my experience, post-separation abuse stories are the same magnitude as the crime documentaries you see on Netflix…but you don’t get to hear our stories because we are still alive.”
“Committing years of your life and having your nervous system rewritten to the tune of another’s abuse, you don’t walk out to freedom. You walk out to self-doubt and constant internal questioning. You feel lost and foolish for not knowing how to navigate your own independence.
You are more fragile and more vulnerable than you felt before, because before you were familiar and comfortable even in the horrendous environment that you had been conditioned to.
You’ve left, you are longing for peace, but their voice is still the loudest in your head. And now, the poison they’ve drip-fed you for months or years is suddenly doused over you, and it bleeds into your children’s, friends and families heads too.
You’ve repeatedly heard “why did you stay?” Because few can understand, the freedom sought is rarely found in the act of leaving.”
“The magnitude of abuse post separation was unbearable. I would be harassed in my own home, our young children used to manipulate situations. He was relentless.
I noticed his personality shifts; from pretend panic attacks, threats to end his life if I left, crying, punching holes in doors, screaming in my face, to offering all the things I had asked over our 10 year relationship and marriage.
I felt drained beyond words, a shadow of a person. All whilst trying to keep it together for our children.
After I left, the surveillance got worse. From friends of his taking screen-shots of my social media and sending them to him, to a camera on the garage he refused to remove and was monitoring my every move, as well as ‘dropping in’ on the Alexa.
I felt on pins constantly. I was frightened of what might happen. He told me no one would love me like he loved me and that I wouldn’t be anything without him. He then threatened to take the children and then the accusations started – he was trying to break me down even more.
I had been so isolated form all of my friends. The only friends I did have were his friends’ wives. Because of the abuse and for the safety of me and the children, I had to cut ties from them all.
People said he was such a charming guy and they were shocked when they found out what he did. But things were always different behind closed doors. Sometimes just a look and I would know what was to come when we were alone.”
“Post separation abuse is exhausting, because the point of it is, you’ll give up. You’ll give up the safety you’ve created. You’ll give up advocating for your children. Abusers will try everything to manipulate the situation; finances, court orders, your medical records even your own friends and family to get you to stop speaking the truth about their behaviour behind closed doors.
It is an act to silence you, to push you to the limits of bankruptcy, homelessness and the possibility of losing custody of your children to punish every survivor that has gained control of their own lives again.
In my experience, the courts are well aware that court-ordered sanctions are not strong enough to bring justice in favour of survivors, particularly in civil and divorce cases. Abusers can be in contempt of court orders and still walk freely to commit these crimes against other women.
Domestic violence is still not viewed as ‘criminal’ in the way that crimes committed against a stranger are. It is deemed an error of judgement on the abuser’s behalf. This is why many survivors don’t leave.”
“Post separation abuse is hidden control. Perpetrators manipulate courts, finances and public services to intimidate and exhaust survivors and they feel validated hiding behind the system.
What looks like routine process is in fact abuse, and it’s a crime. It made me feel silenced and helpless.”
If you recognise any of these experiences or behaviours and you want to find out about the support we offer, contact Vale Domestic Abuse Services on: 01446 744755 (Mon-Fri 9am-4.30pm) or email info@valedas.org.