What is Domestic Abuse?

Domestic abuse takes many different forms and affects people from all backgrounds, in all kinds of relationships. It can be physical or sexual, and can include emotionally abusive behaviour too. It doesn’t always come from a partner or an ex-partner – sometimes people experience abuse from a family member, carer or other person.

Domestic abuse can mean physical violence, but can also involve coercive and controlling behaviour, taking control financially, isolating people from their family and friends, or making threats towards children, pets or others. Some people may not understand they are being abused, or realise that what they are experiencing is domestic abuse. They might not want to tell anyone for fear of not being believed, or feel ashamed of what is happening to them, or that it is somehow their fault.

Domestic abuse does not discriminate. It is a common, everyday occurrence for people in all walks of life. If you think you might be one of them, know that you are not on your own – and that life can be different.

Who Can It Happen To?

Domestic abuse most commonly affects women and girls, but it also happens to men and boys too. It can occur in heterosexual and same sex relationships, and in non-sexual relationships between family members and other people too.

We realise most people will be experiencing abuse in a way that is unique to them and their individual situation, and that not everyone in society will be treated in the same way, or have equal opportunities in accessing support. Vale DAS is here to listen, understand and support you with whatever you may be experiencing, in a way that is appropriate for you.

Vale DAS believes that Domestic Abuse, Sexual Violence and all violence against women and girls is not inevitable, and is a result of gender inequality in society. We also know men experience domestic abuse too, and have barriers to disclosing and accessing support because of gender inequality in society.

What types of domestic abuse are there?

> Physical

Any kind of physical force used against others is abusive. It often gets worse over time and can ultimately lead to significant injury, or even death. Physical abuse can include:
– Punching
– Kicking
– Slapping
– Shoving or pinching
– Strangulation
– Spitting
– Throwing things
– Making or stopping someone from taking illegal substances or prescribed medicines

> Sexual

Any kind of sexual activity that takes place without the other person’s consent is considered abusive, and is recognised by law as sexual assault. There are lots of different terms used to describe sexual violence, but ultimately, if someone does anything sexual to another person without their permission, then it’s sexual violence. Sometimes abusers use it alongside other kinds of abuse, as another form of control.
The Sexual Offences Act 2003 says that someone commits sexual assault if all of the following happens:
– They intentionally touch another person.
– The touching is sexual.
– The other person does not consent to the touching.
– They do not reasonably believe that the other person consents.
– The touching can be with any part of the body or with anything else.
This can manifest itself in forms of sexual violence like:
– Shaming you into having sex
– Using sexually based insults like slut, slag or whore
– Pressuring you to, or making you, have sex with other people
– Controlling or preventing access to contraception
– Sharing intimate or personal images with others, without your consent
– Persuading or pressuring you to perform sex acts or view pornographical material

> Coercive Control

Trying to make another person feel afraid, humiliated or intimidated as a matter of routine is now a criminal offence, and is known as Coercive Control. It is a pattern of behaviour designed to leave someone entirely dependent on their abuser, allowing them to have complete control.
Coercive Control can take the form of:
– Withholding access to food, water and other essentials
– Threatening to harm others or themselves
– Pressuring or forcing others into partaking in illegal activity
– Distancing a person from their friends and family
– Using surveillance devices or other forms of monitoring where someone is, and what they are doing.
– Controlling who a person can and can’t see
– Controlling what a person wears and how they present themselves

> Emotional

The most common form of abuse involves non-physical behaviour intended to hurt, belittle, frighten or undermine another. This can include making accusations, threats, name calling and gaslighting, which is when an abuser tries to make another person feel like they are losing their mind.
Emotional or physiological abuse can include, but is not limited to:
– Accusations of cheating, or some other form of disloyalty
– Calling the other person abusive, or suggesting they might be
– Blaming the other person for their abuse of them
– Controlling what a person eats
– Calling someone ‘fat’, ‘ugly’ and other names intended to undermine them
– Threatening to call the police or social services on another person
– Threatening to take children way

> Financial

Taking control of a person’s finances without their consent, or allowing them little to no involvement in financial matters from the beginning, is considered to be abusive behaviour. Financial control is now recognised as a stand alone form of abuse, regardless of whether other forms of abuse are also being used on a person or not.
It can include:
– Stealing money from another person
– Scrutinising bank statements, demanding receipts or evidence of every penny spent
– Forcing someone to take out a loan or get into debt in another person’s name
– Stopping another person from working, or making them go out and work
– Demanding that control of earnings and other money be handed over to them

> Stalking

Receiving unwanted attention that makes a person feel at risk or frightened, which then turns into a repeated pattern of incidents, is stalking. In the beginning, it could feel flattering or even romantic to be the subject of this attention. It might involve the sending of messages, flowers or gifts which continue even after the intended recipient has told the person sending them they are not interested, or do not want to receive them.
If it turns into a persistent pattern of behaviour that makes the person targeted feel upset, intimidated or unsafe, they should notify the police or someone like Vale DAS, who can help.
Stalking is a crime and can involve:
– Being followed
– A person regularly turning up at the same places as you
– A person hanging around your house or place of work
– Routinely receiving unwanted messages, calls, emails or gifts
– Digital monitoring and obsessively attempting to contact you via social media or other means
– Interfering with, or physically damaging, property belonging to you
– Pretending to be you or the theft of your identity

> Forced Marriage

Being pressured physically or emotionally into marrying someone you don’t want to is against the law. It is not the same as an arranged marriage, when two people are introduced and have the choice of marrying, or not. Forced marriage is a form of abuse and commonly involves family members or others pressuring someone to enter wedlock against their will by:
– Threatening to kill or harm them
– Telling them they will bring shame on them or their family if they don’t
– Making them feel that they, or their family, will struggle financially otherwise
– Saying the marriage must go ahead at the will of religious leaders, or other community figures
– Accusing a person of being gay or telling those who are that marrying someone else will absolve them of their sins

> Digital

Modern technology means abusers have a variety of digital tools at their disposal to help them check up on and/or intimidate a partner, ex-partner or someone else they are looking to control. These can include:
– Checking a person’s mobile phone without their consent
– Monitoring a person’s social media accounts and who they are talking to online
– Installing tracking devices on a person’s mobile phone or vehicle
– Using devices like Alexa and Google to listen in to other rooms in the house
– Taking control of shopping, banking, social media and other online accounts

> Female Genital Mutilation (FGM)

Altering or purposely cutting a female’s genitals for any non-medical reason is known as female genital mutilation, and is a form of abuse. It can also be known as female circumcision or cutting, and is known to have been carried out on girls as soon as they are born right up until, and during, their teenage years. FGM can also happen during adolescence, pregnancy, or before marriage, as a highly painful procedure often performed by someone with no medical expertise, and without any anaesthetic involved/
FGM is not a requirement of any religion, there are no known health benefits and causes permanent damage physically and emotionally too. It is against the law here in the UK, and it is also illegal for anyone living in the UK to send their child abroad in order to undergo FGM too.
Key terms to be aware of when it comes to FGM include ‘cutter’, the person referred to as carrying out the FGM, and ‘cutting season’, which is used to describe the summer weeks where children are not required to go to school and often sent overseas for FGM as a result.
FGM can result in severe pain, difficulties having sex, problems having a wee, difficulties having periods, infertility, bleeding and infection, organ damage, incontinence, blood loss and more. It can also cause permanent psychological damage including depression, shock, anxiety, flashbacks, problems sleeping and a wide range of other issues too.

TACTICS USED TO ABUSE

LOVE BOMBING

is a tactic that abusers may use in the early stages of relationship to make you feel overwhelmed with attention and affection.

BREADCRUMBING

is a tactic that abusers use to give you a small amount of attention or affection to keep you hooked or maintain control over the relationship.

GASLIGHTING

is a tactic that abusers may use to make you doubt your own perception of reality.

INTIMIDATION

is a tactic used to create fear and control their partners. This can be physical but can also be verbal or unspoken threats. It is about creating a rule within a relationship where there is a severe consequence if broken.

HOOVERING

a term used when an abuser tries to “suck” you back into the relationship after you have left or are trying to leave. This may include reverting to “love bombing” or other manipulation tactics to try and make you stay.

ISOLATION

is a tactic used to limit your access to resources and support.

GHOSTING

is when an abuser suddenly stops communicating with you as a way to manipulate or control you.