Written by Vale DAS Volunteer, Lucianna Brunskill.

When we think about domestic abuse, we often imagine it happening behind closed doors, during a relationship. But for many survivors, the abuse doesn’t stop when they leave or when the relationship ends. It often gets worse and can last for months and even years. This is called Post-Separation Abuse.

Post-separation abuse is the ongoing pattern of coercive, controlling, or violent behaviour by an ex-partner after a relationship has officially ended. At Vale Domestic Abuse Services, reports of post-separation abuse are increasing. A similar picture is reported across the UK, and yet it is an overlooked form of intimate-partner violence. Although it may appear different from what occurred during the relationship, the goal remains the same: to exert power and control.

Post-Separation abuse can look like:

• Emotional and psychological tactics such as threats, gaslighting, harassment in-person or via phone or social media, and disparaging the survivor’s character.
• Stalking and surveillance, including monitoring movements and appearing uninvited at homes or workplaces.
• Legal and institutional abuse that uses court systems to harass via custody disputes or repetitive legal contact.
• Economic abuse includes wage withholding, debt manipulation, sabotaging employment, or accumulating debts in the survivor’s name.
• Abuse involving children. This includes threats or emotional manipulation of children, or turning them against their other parents. 

How prevalent is it? And what do the statistics say?

Research from Kaleidoscopic UK found that 92% of those that had left an abusive relationship said that the abuse intensified following separation. 91% had experienced ‘victim blaming’ when talking to others about the post separation abuse they suffered. 67% said they had been subjected to more than 5 years of ongoing post-separation abuse.

Tragically, the impacts of post-separation abuse can be fatal – the most dangerous time for a women experiencing domestic abuse is the period when she leaves the relationship.

Impacts on survivors

Post-separation abuse is a prolonged, multifaceted issue encompassing emotional, financial, legal, and physical threats. It often escalates following separation and significantly damages survivors’ mental health, financial stability, and safety.

We asked some of the women we have supported recently to share their insights and experiences of post separation abuse. Here’s what they said:

“Post separation abuse is exhausting, because the point of it is, you’ll give up. You’ll give up the safety you’ve created. You’ll give up advocating for your children. Abusers will try everything to manipulate the situation; finances, court orders, your medical records – even your own friends and family to get you to stop speaking the truth of their behaviour behind closed doors.”

“Perpetrators manipulate courts, finances and public services to intimidate and exhaust survivors and they feel validated hiding behind the system. What looks like routine process is in fact abuse, and it’s a crime. It made me feel silenced and helpless.”

“It is an act to silence you, to push you to the limits of bankruptcy, homelessness and the possibility of losing custody of your children to punish every survivor that has gained control of their own lives again.

“In my experience, the courts are well aware that the court-ordered sanctions are not strong enough to bring justice in favour of survivors, particularly in civil and divorce cases. Abusers can be in contempt of court orders and still walk freely to commit these crimes to other women.”

Another woman summed her experience up by saying: “Leaving didn’t end the abuse. It took it to the next level.”

Despite legal recognition of coercive control in the UK’s 2021 Domestic Abuse Act, services remain under-funded and awareness and understanding remains low. A lack of understanding of post-separation abuse can also lead to the courts unwittingly permitting or facilitating ongoing abuse and control, particularly through child contact arrangements.

Greater awareness, targeted legal reforms, safe housing, and financial support are desperately needed to protect survivors beyond their relationship’s end.

Too many survivors are let down by systems that don’t understand how post-separation abuse works. We need better legal protections, more safe, accessible housing, and fully-funded support for survivors who have already done the incredibly hard work of leaving. 

Leaving should mean freedom, not more fear.

By Lucianna Brunskill, Vale DAS Volunteer.

If you are affected by anything in this article and would like to speak to someone, please call Vale Domestic Abuse Services on 01446 744755 (Mon-Fri 9am-4.30pm) or email info@valedas.org