by Vicky Friis, CEO of Vale Domestic Abuse Services
When people think about domestic abuse, they often imagine it ending when a relationship ends. In reality, for many survivors, abuse doesn’t stop at separation. It changes shape. What we call post-separation abuse can be just as frightening, destabilising, and exhausting as what went before, sometimes more so.
What is post-separation abuse?
Post-separation abuse is when a ex partner continues to exert control after a relationship has ended. It can include harassment, stalking, financial control, manipulation through children, or threats of self-harm. The behaviour may shift between anger, guilt, persuasion, or even charm, but the aim is the same: to keep survivors in their orbit, keep them with them and undermine their freedom.
For survivors, this often comes as a shock. Leaving is such a huge and difficult step, and many expect that once they’ve made that choice, the worst is behind them. The reality is often very different.
The impact on survivors
At our service, we see the toll this takes on women every day. The constant unpredictability leaves many feeling trapped in a cycle of anxiety, never able to fully relax or move on. Parenting becomes harder when children are used as pawns in conflict.
Finances are one of the most common areas of harm. Some abusive ex partners withhold child maintenance altogether, leaving women struggling to provide essentials. Others make grand, one-off gestures, buying expensive items while refusing to contribute to day-to-day costs like food, bills or school trips. This not only destabilises budgets but can also create pressure on children, who see their father arriving with “big gifts” while their mother is left juggling the everyday shortfall.
Financial sabotage doesn’t stop there. We often see women’s working lives undermined too. No help with childcare, constant last-minute disruptions, or creating so much anxiety that it becomes difficult to concentrate or perform well at work. When your job is the route to financial independence, those small acts of sabotage can have devastating, long-term effects. And without financial freedom, there is no true freedom from abuse.
We also see abusive ex partners deliberately undermining relationships between mothers and children, sowing distrust or creating loyalty conflicts. This corrodes family bonds and places further strain on survivors who are already trying to provide stability in a difficult environment.
The truth is, you cannot co-parent with an abuser. What women can do is put strategies in place, safety planning, routines, boundaries. These will only reduce the impact of that behaviour. It isn’t fair, but it is reality. Services need to be honest about this, equipping women with tools that are practical as well as compassionate.
Another part of the reality is the traumatic bond. Many women describe still feeling a powerful pull towards their ex-partner, even after years of abuse. That attachment isn’t weakness, it’s the psychological impact of living in a cycle of fear, hope, manipulation, and control. Breaking free from that bond takes time, support, and understanding. And it’s one more reason why recovery after separation can be such a long and complicated journey.
I recognise some of this from my own experiences after leaving my my ex-partner after many years together. At the time, I didn’t call it abuse. I just knew I felt constantly on edge, never free to build the life I wanted. That sense of anxiety stayed with me for a long time. And I see that same look in the eyes of women who come through our doors now.
What services can do
Supporting survivors through post-separation abuse requires more than just crisis response. It’s about long-term, trauma-informed support that recognises the ongoing risks. At our charity, that means:
- Safety planning beyond separation: including legal protections, housing security, and support with digital safety.
- Financial advocacy: helping women stabilise income, access entitlements, and challenge economic abuse.
- Support with work and childcare: recognising how sabotage can affect employment and independence.
- Emotional support and counselling: giving space to process the ongoing anxiety and trauma, including the impact of traumatic bonding.
- Parenting support: acknowledging the realities of parenting in the shadow of abuse and building strategies that prioritise children’s wellbeing.
- Community and peer support: building networks that reduce isolation and increase resilience.
What needs to change
Services are usually funded to respond to the moment of crisis, when someone is leaving, fleeing violence, urgently needing refuge, crisis advocacy. But what we see again and again is that the post-separation period, when recovery begins, when threats of abuse persist, when stabilising life is hardest, is underfunded, under-recognised, under-supported.
Some key figures highlight this gap:
- More than half (56 %) of services have experienced cuts to their funding in the past five years.
- In Wales, there has been a 28 % increase in reports of financial abuse in just one year, with many survivors describing post-separation financial abuse.
- Over half of survivors (56 %) say their abuse created serious financial problems.
If we are serious about tackling domestic abuse, we cannot ignore these realities. What’s needed is:
- Longer funding cycles that recognise recovery doesn’t happen quickly: not just crisis grants but sustained funding for 2–5 years post-separation.
- Specialist support for economic abuse: so that coerced debt, withheld maintenance, and financial sabotage are treated as core parts of abuse, not side issues.
- Stronger enforcement of child maintenance: so perpetrators cannot weaponize financial support.
- Policy recognition in family law, housing, and welfare that post-separation abuse is real, persistent, and damaging, and needs legal frameworks and resources to match.
Moving forward
Separation should be a moment of freedom, but for many it is only the start of another battle. By naming post-separation abuse, by listening to survivors, and by offering consistent, compassionate support, we can help women move from simply surviving to truly living.
As someone who has walked through this personally and now leads an organisation supporting others, I know the journey is rarely simple. But with the right help, and the right changes at a national level, survivors can find safety, stability and peace, and that is what every woman deserves.
Explainers…
What do we mean by “traumatic bonding”?
Sometimes survivors talk about feeling a strong pull back towards their abuser, even after years of harm. This is called traumatic bonding.
It happens when periods of fear and control are mixed with moments of affection, promises, or calm. That cycle creates a powerful psychological attachment. Survivors may feel guilty for leaving, hopeful that things will change, or even responsible for the abuser’s wellbeing.
Traumatic bonding is not weakness. It’s a very human response to prolonged manipulation and emotional dependency. Breaking free from that bond takes time, support, and understanding. And recognising it is an important step in recovery.
What do we mean by “financial sabotage”?
Financial sabotage is when an abuser deliberately disrupts or controls a survivor’s money and resources.
It might look like:
– Withholding child maintenance or refusing to contribute to everyday costs
– Making big, showy purchases while leaving essentials unpaid
– Creating debt in the survivor’s name
– Refusing to share childcare, making it harder for the survivor to work
– Keeping them anxious or distracted so they struggle to perform well in their job
The goal is the same: to make it difficult for survivors to become financially independent, because financial freedom also means freedom from abuse.