Woman relaxing and enjoying the beautiful sunset view

Alice’s Story

Here, Alice* shares her story and talks about the support she has received from Vale Domestic Abuse Services:

“When I first met my ex, I was bowled over not only by his charming character, but his many personal compliments to me. I’d been happily living on my own after a previous relationship, but he seemed very considerate towards me and we immediately got on well.

It wasn’t long before he moved in with me in the house that I owned, and it wasn’t long again before our relationship started to change. Piece by piece, he took control of my life.

Looking back, it feels like he gradually ‘entangled’ me in his growing web of control. It started when he took control of the TV remote, chose an armchair as ‘his’ armchair, and often spent a lot of time in ‘his’ room upstairs. This behaviour continued and he persuaded me to change my will the day after my sick mother died.

The relationship didn’t feel like the cooperative partnership I’d hoped for, and we often argued. The arguments became physical fights, as I tried to resist his control. I wasn’t going to quietly comply with him and he didn’t like that.

Once when we fought, he physically took my phone away and I was flung against the coffee table. I ended up with bruises more than once. My home was no longer the safe place for me that it had been.

I went to the doctors to have my bruises recorded, and when the abuse got really bad, I called the police and they came and arrested him. By then, I felt emotionally beaten down by the constant battle of things going wrong between us.

I started to change my life. My marriage to him was annulled when I found out he was already married. I changed my bank accounts to prevent his access to them and I changed my will.

Through the years that I was struggling with this relationship, in desperation, I would turn up on the doorstep of the Vale DAS offices. Thankfully, they always welcomed me in and gave me much-needed support. They pointed me toward a network of contacts and experts that could help me.

I recently became a participant on the eight-week course run by Vale DAS, called Journey Beyond Abuse. It was wonderful to meet with a group of women in a safe, confidential space. They’d all had similar struggles to mine. We were all ages and had lived different lifestyles, but we had all faced domestic abuse from our partners. It was very comforting to know I was not alone in my struggles. There are many more women going through similar lives and trying to find their way out to a better life.

Through the course sessions, as we looked at each aspect of domestic abuse, I understood more clearly what had happened. For example, we can be taken in by ‘love bombing’, when a new guy we meet is super-nice to begin with, but soon changes afterwards. I learned about how we can be deceived by ‘gas lighting’; being told things that are not true but persuaded to believe them. And I learned that I have the right to set my personal boundaries. We also discussed how to recognise red flags when we next meet someone new. It’s perfectly normal to grieve about the loss of the relationship that we’d hoped for, and did not happen, but no woman wants to go through this kind of experience again!

I realise now that domestic abuse can happen to anyone. It can affect a woman from any walk of life, anywhere in society. I would recommend anyone in a domestic abuse situation to go to Vale DAS for support. They have the knowledge and expertise to help you and they will give you confidential, empathetic support. There is a way out and with the right support, you can become empowered to have a much better life.”

If you recognise any of the behaviours Alice mentions here or you’d like to find out more about the support Vale Domestic Abuse Services offer, call 01446 744755 or email info@valedas.org .

*Name changed for anonymity.

Scroll to Top
CLOSE WEBSITE